Unfiltered Living

When I was twelve, my class was tasked with presenting a topic to our peers that we were passionate about. I stood at the front of the class with 20 pairs of eyes on me – and I freaked out. I finished my speech on the literal edge of a meltdown. Picture the very serious threat of tears.

Thankfully, my teacher mistook this for an extreme passion for the topic, but the fact remains that I was absolutely terrified of what my classmates were thinking of me in that moment. This fear of judgement, self-doubt, and lack of self-confidence followed me all the way through high school.

I was afraid to be myself, and – more to the point, I was afraid to be my flawed self. I didn’t want to make a mistake in front of anyone, and if I did, that’s all I would be thinking about for the rest of the day (thanks, brain). So, I was living life with a filter that took away from the authenticity of being me.

My problem was that I cared too much about what people thought, without realising that other people are so stuck in their own little bubbles to really care much at all.

Despite my aversion to public performances, I always seemed to land myself in situations that were well out of my comfort zone, particularly in high school. Perhaps it was my ‘yes-man’ type nature, or maybe it was just down to rotten luck – but somehow I’d always be asking myself, how have I gotten myself into this situation, again? Why am I speaking in front of so many people, again?

Slowly, however, I began to seize opportunities that were discomforting. I began making a point of finding ways to live outside of my comfort zone. I was faking it, until the point that I finally “made it” – or at least, made it to where I am now.

Over the past couple of years, I have come to understand my self-worth a lot better. I’ve realised that if you make a mistake and someone judges you for it, that is more a reflection of them than it is of you.

Also – I am not afraid of making mistakes anymore. I’ve accepted the fact that I will make a fool of myself on the daily, and the best way to deal with that is to laugh. This is partly so that whoever you’re with is laughing with you, and not at you, but mainly because it’s best to not take things so seriously, especially when it comes to life.

My band conductor preaches to us this idea of being confident in your mistakes. If you play a wrong note, own it, and simply move on. Life is a symphony of improvisation; it’s bound to be imperfect.

Of course, I have certainly come a long way in the nine years since that speech at twelve years of age, and I’ve learnt a lot about life. I’ve come to realise, too, that confidence is not linear – nor is confidence a steady incline. Confidence is more of an oscillating wave. No doubt there will be good days, and with those come the bad. Yet the best way to maximise the time spent in the peaks is to put the person you want to be into practice. Seek discomfort. Keep reaching for your maximum potential – there’s always room to grow. In the end, no one cares, and nothing really matters – and that is an entirely good thing! Embrace your authentic, messy self. Life is much more fun unfiltered.